Below are 20 wise marriage tips from a man that was recently
divorced. You wouldn’t normally think that a divorced man would give good
advice on being a husband, but this man has been through enough hardship to
know what is worth fighting for:
MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s
something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective
of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I
loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have
had…
1) Never
stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When
you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER
HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred
treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and
NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
divorce advice
2) PROTECT
YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you
must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the
world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must
enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and
invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN
LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the
same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be
the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to
re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you
don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal
you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to
win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4) ALWAYS
SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will
expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be
bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.
Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know
without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as
your wife.
5) IT’S NOT
YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no
expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes,
whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL
ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you
happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own
happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and
your love.
7) NEVER
BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is
triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your
responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to
look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be
healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited
to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you
could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by
her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s
not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let
her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that
pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and
emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain
strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T
RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t
going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and
emotion.
9) BE SILLY…
don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter
makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER
SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels
important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS
that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority
everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE
PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your
soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you
are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING
TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine
presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate
her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness
as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE
AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and
so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you
do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER
SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need
to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly
from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that
space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too
poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself,
ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get
re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids
and the world.)
15) BE
VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your
fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY
TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING…
Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully
love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will
like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you
completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel
like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you
will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17) NEVER
STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is
always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a
muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common
goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18) DON’T
WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win
it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both
persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE
IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past.
Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either
you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you
back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS
CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the
only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your
choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your
marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s
about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually
invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the
happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing
all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will
bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons
I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in
carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get
married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure
any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it
those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those
couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may
be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken
in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with
him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you
want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless
of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is
time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER.
There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that
from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
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